Program helps kids during divorce cases

By Joe Winter

Since many divorcing parents don't realize the effect of their actions on children, St. Croix County is requiring all such couples to participate in a program called Families in Transition.

St. Croix is one of the first counties in the state to require this educational program, which goes beyond just the basics of parenting.

Some parents at first object and think, "Oh, 'the law' is making me go to this class," said Stephanie Hamann, the mediator who operates the program. However, evaluation forms show the parents appreciate what the program has taught them, she said.

Part of the reason for forming the program is to prevent rising levels of abuse, said Ed Vlack, county family court commissioner. He has seen the impact that divorce and separation has on children.

When any divorce or separation case involving children comes before the court, parents are ordered to attend the class. There is a $30 fee, which has been waived in certain cases, and Hamann's office presents the program.

The parents are not required to attend together, but sometimes they decide to, Vlack said. The intent is not for counseling, but to educate on things such as how to keep kids from getting caught in the middle of disputes when mom and dad are splitting up.

"I get calls and people say, 'Why do I have to go through this thing?' We tell them, 'Hey that's the policy,'" Vlack said. He adds they usually are glad they attended.

Hamann says the class allows parents to understand root problems of guilt and anger, and who has certain responsibilities for the dissolving of the marriage. "The kids (can) think that they're the ones responsible," Hamann said.

Children may experience fear involving where they are going to live, especially if mom and dad live in different cities, and concerning who is going to take care of them, she said.

Information is given to parents about what can be shared with kids and what should stay between adults. Negative or derogatory statements about the former spouse should not be aired in front of children, Hamann emphasized. Children need to be assured that they still have both a mom and dad, even though a divorce is in process.

The business side of parenting is explored, and the result often is more respect, politeness and consideration for the ex-spouse. That can be vital if a child is supposed to be picked up or dropped off at an appointed time, and circumstances make that difficult.

A difficult situation Hamann encounters is where one parent might refuse visits, and where anger develops when a new boyfriend or girlfriend becomes part of the family group. Incidents of abandoning children or hiding them from the other parent can be very difficult, Hamann said. They require problem solving in advance.

The program also shows moms and dads what kids may be experiencing and helps "give them bird's-eye view of cooperative decision-making," Hamann said.

Children need to know that they still will receive nurturing and have security and predictability in their lives, Hamann said.

She agrees that this may be a lot of ground to cover, but the information seems to have an impact on parents, she said. They become willing to develop a parenting plan with the former spouse and many become surprised at the skills for appropriate negotiating they can develop. They also may become less combative in the mediation process, Hamann said. Most of these parents really do love their children, she said.

The county also is developing a Children in the Middle program for ages 7 to 12, and in coming months will gauge the response the program gets. It helps a child understand what parents are going through. It also teaches children how to say no to being a messenger between spouses, Hamann said. Sometimes children this age need to say to mom or dad that a given issue is something the parents need to work out without the child being caught between, she said.

Or, for example, grandma may ask, "Why does your dad do that?" The program shows kids how to respond.

The program can help kids understand family relationships, "and replace some of the scary stuff about the myths of divorce," Hamann said.